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Intimacy is a fundamental part of life, yet for many people with disability, it remains a topic shrouded in misunderstanding and stigma. Too often, discussions about intimacy focus solely on sexual relationships, overlooking the broader spectrum of connection that people seek – emotional closeness, shared moments, physical affection and deep intellectual or spiritual bonds. 

For people with disability, accessing intimacy in these various forms can be challenging due to societal assumptions, lack of education and structural barriers that limit opportunities for relationships and personal connection. Breaking down these barriers is crucial to ensuring that everyone, regardless of ability, has the right to experience intimacy in ways that are meaningful to them. 

With this in mind, Melba is helping to redefine intimacy and challenge outdated perceptions. 

In a recent episode of the podcast No Spoons to Give by Spoony, Melba’s CEO, Hayley Dean, and Innovation Lead, Kate Taylor, spoke about the importance of addressing intimacy in the disability community and the groundbreaking work Melba is doing in this area. 

“What is intimacy?,” Kate asks. “A lot of people think about intimacy and automatically their mind goes to sex, sex, sex, but it’s not that for everybody.” 

Kate said when Melba asked people supported what intimacy meant to them, the responses revealed a spectrum far broader than common perceptions. Intimacy might mean cuddling a pet, forming friendships, or maintaining family relationships. It could involve intellectual connections through deep conversations, financial intimacy through shared resources, or spiritual intimacy through religious practices.  

“There’s no right way to experience intimacy, except for consensually,” she said. “We also recognise that some people don’t want to access intimacy and that is also OK.” 

Significant barriers

Despite the universal human need for connection, people with disability often face significant barriers to accessing intimacy in its various forms. 

“We know that relationships and intimacy are really challenging for people with disability, but it’s because of the world around them,” Kate says. “People with disability have been segregated from opportunities to experience intimacy.” 

This segregation takes many forms: exclusion from sex education classes at school, limited community integration that would naturally foster relationships, and familial resistance to romantic partnerships. 

Hayley shares a particularly telling example: “Yesterday, a support worker talked about somebody they were supporting who was 26 years of age and this young man wanted to experience connectivity … and, sadly, the mother said, ‘Oh no, no, he’s just a child’.” 

Hayley acknowledges the protective instinct behind such reactions, while asserting these attitudes can infringe on basic human rights. “We can understand that, but do we agree with it? Absolutely not,” she says. 

A key concern for families and caregivers revolves around safety and potential abuse. Melba addresses these legitimate fears through comprehensive education rather than restriction. 

“We’re very respectful of where families come from and understand that there’s a lot of fear involved, especially around safeguarding,” Hayley says. “That’s where it’s so critical around the education, not just for people with disability, but for everyone.” 

Consent, boundaries and communication

This education focuses on essential concepts such as consent, boundaries and communication. “It’s about understanding what is consent? What does consent look like? How do I say no?” Hayley says. “The more we’re educated, the more we reduce that risk of abuse.” 

Recognising that frontline support workers play a crucial role in facilitating access to intimacy, Melba has developed specialised training programs. The training helps support workers understand the diverse meanings of intimacy and equips them with practical skills to assist people appropriately. 

“It’s all about people we support having the opportunity to feel comfortable, to feel heard, to feel valued and to feel connected,” Kate says. 

Melba’s approach to intimacy represents a significant shift in how disability support services address this fundamental aspect of human experience. By acknowledging the full spectrum of intimate connections, from pets to partnerships, and by addressing both practical support needs and educational requirements, we are creating a model that will transform practices across the sector. 

We also understand that respecting the right to intimacy is not just about providing services – it’s about recognising people’s human rights. 

You can watch the full podcast on Spoony’s YouTube channel or listen to it on Spotify.